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Thursday, November 18, 2010

letting go....=) (part8)


hey...it's me again...
just yesterday, we had or conversation on facebook...
i wrote on your wall...you wrote on my wall....
and it goes back and forth util you felt sleepy.....
during our wall to wall conversation.....i did noticed something...
you are acting quite different yesterday night...
and you said the same thing to me...
but you noticed it first.....you said it's not you were having the conversation with me....
then i confused and i asked....why??
but you prefer not to tell me.....during the conversation i can feel that you have something to tell me but you were keeping it to yourself.....i dont know why....
maybe you think this is just not the right time....
but the, not long after, i got a message on my phone...
and you said something that i've said to you before....
that is...
"certain things are better left to be untold..."
i understand that.....
but i still left confused that night.....
after you left our conversation, i cant stop wondering on what actually are you hiding from me..
i just cant help it....
i really wan to know the thing that you want to say....
but as you said....i'll just keep waiting until the right time for me to know comes....
till then, i'll just have to wait patiently....
then, just early today....
i saw your status update on your facebook....
it was really sweet and if it not intended for me, it's okay....
i'll perfectly understand....
it sounds like this....
"if you're alone, i will be your shadow. if you want to cry, i will be your shoulder. if you want a hug, i will be your pillow. and if you need to be happy, i will be your smile..."
this quote brings a lot of meaning in my interpretation...
i guess, the person who intended with this quote will definitely happy if gets it....
and i;ll be happy to look from afar....
do you want to know something??
all this while....i actually realized that both of us does have a very strong barrier....
and i do think that is because of your deep feelings toward the one that you really love....
our conversation and communication only restricted to few platforms.....
we only did communicate mostly through facebook....
and that is it.....
unlike the other person....i'm actually a little bit jealous....
but then, i think i'll just have to take it positively....
from what i see.....
both of you are intimate online and offline....
if you guys are not on facebook, you guys keep texting each other.....
frequent phone calls.....even when you guys meet up....
both of you got a lot of things to talk about.....
but things are different when i actually meet you face to face.....
i'll be completely quiet and numb....
i maybe seems loud when we're not face to face but in reality.....
i'm just very afraid that you might read my feelings towards you....
but since yesterday you once said you knew me very well already....
i guess..there is no point of me hiding this feeling anymore......
but i still do think that i still dont have the courage to be clear with you yet....
since you were having a very good time with him......
just a a few minutes ago....
i opened up your page on facebook....
and i saw your conversation with him.....
and at that point.....i knew something....
that i will never match him to win your heart.....
it's true.....
and i'll be okay with it.....

Monday, November 15, 2010

letting go....=) (part 7)


hey....its me again...
u wanna know something...
from the beginning, it has been very hard for me to let you go...
even now, when i'm writing this post, i still did not have the courage to let you go...
i'm still in the position of gathering my strength to get through the day without you...
and by writing this, is one of the way of me trying to gather the courage to let you go...
for me personally, being in love is not an easy thing....
once a friend has asked me before....
have you ever fall in love??
that time is when i haven't got to know you yet.....
then i answered him....
yes i did..but it was years ago....
when i was in my high school....
but after that, after the relationship end, i never had fall in love again....
i just dont know why.....
sometimes, when i see most of my friends flirting with the girls....
and then start dating..but not long after they broke up.....
the situation just encouraged me not to fall in love with anyone....
because there are times in my mind saying that falling in love is ridiculous...
there is no such thing as true love....
it's true....my mind has traveled that far for not having faith in love....
but...do you know what is the thing that changed all the horizon in my head just in a split second?
its you.....
how?
it's a difficult question to answer....
i'm not the type of guy who easily falls in love in a single first sight...
that is just not me....
even when i met you for the first time.....
the "thing" is not there yet....
i have my own mindset at that time.....
that tells me not to fall in love very easily......
and i did.......
but, when we bonded through the times.....
until now.....
you made me realize one thing.....
that i was the whole time when i said love is ridiculous....
it is definitely not....
i just spontaneously like you.......
when we were telling about each other.....
you wanna know something?
from all the people that i knew in my life along the way till now....
you are the only person that has most in common things with me....
and that makes me feel very comfortable telling everything that i want.....
and i always feel secure when i'm talking with you....
because you will listen to me and make me feel like i'm a very special person....
it is very weird...
sometimes i do think that this ridiculous....
but there is no doubt....love can sometimes be very crazy....
and that is how you actually open up a door in my heart to embrace love again.....
and that is what make you a very special person in my heart....

(to be continued)

Saturday, November 13, 2010

letting go....=) (part 6)


hey...its me again....
just when i finished writing the previous post, all of a sudden i remembered something..
before you get to sleep just now, you did texted me with a very sweet words in it..
it was like this..

"hello.saya dah off.ngantuk.btw, u did made me laugh mr, flu red ranger.haha.u have to sleep la okay it's not too long to wait until morning.good night..."

it was a very short text but i'm really glad that you texted me before you sleep....
it means a lot to me as a person that loves you with all my heart...
i did smiled after i read the sms.....
then i replied it....

"hehe.nyte2 ****.it's okay.i'm used to it.have a nice sleep k,sweet dreams.sleep tide"

that is the only words that i can text you. i really wish that i can text you more that the words that i gave because literally, the text that i would rather give is like this...

"that's okay, u dont have to worry about me.as long as ur still smiling, not even a biggest disaster will torn my feelings.ur smile is what keeping me alive.have a nice and warm sleep.have a very good night and sweet dreams u little doll of my heart.i love u so much and will never stop loving u....:)"

but, the text above will only remains a dream for me because the chance is not there for me to grab anymore.but as long as you will still be there with a smile around your face, it will always give me strength to live my life better...

since i knew from the very first time that you were into him...
it would lying if i tell you that my heart was not torn apart...
i did...my heart was crushed into pieces...
but i know for myself....
that cannot let myself demoralized.....
looking at you being happy with somebody else is not the end of the word...
and also...it will definitely not the end of my feelings towards you...
seeing you living happily, is one of my life's aim.....
even though it will not be with me....
but looking you from far away with your smile still living.....
is enough to satisfy me......
i am eager to seek for your laugh...
intimidated to make your smiles to be mine...
curious for wanting to know you more...
and dying to have you in my arms at the end of the day.....
but if you've made up your mind.....
there is nothing left i got to say.....

(to be continued)

letting go....=) (part 5)


hey you....
i just noticed something on your facebook page...
you've changed your profile picture..
at first i did not bother to notice but...
when i took a closer look, it was the image of someone we both familiar with....
i thought you were just taking random korean guys picture to put on as your default pic....but...
it is not just a random pic...
that guy on your profile pic is one of the character in the korean drama that both like...
his name in the drama was shin woo...
its funny to suddenly have all this tingling in my heart just when i watched your profile pic...
i just dont know why....
but then i figured it out....
it's because we both share the same feelings in this drama...
it's funny....and for me, on the same time it's sad....
and for that sad feelings, here i am writing this fifth piece of my writing about us...
and to let u go.......

it's been a while that i haven't watch any korean movies or drama....
before i knew you, i never have any interest to watch korean series...
the first series that you introduced to me was a drama entitled "I'M SORRY I LOVE YOU"
the first thing that you told me about the series is that one of the character has the same face like me...even he matched some of my characteristics...
his name was yoon...u told me to keep this as our secret...and dont ever tell anybody that u have ever siad that i look like yoon...
at first, i was speechless and dazzled....also confused..
starting from that day, you keep calling me yoon for several times....
and i cant stand but to smile every time u called me with that name....
i took a look at the real actor of the series and he definitely way more handsome and cute than i am...but...to have the words came from u...
i'll take it as compliment even this will make me like "perasan sorang sorang"...hahaha...
but i dont care as long as you are the one who said that....
starting from that point...i'm a little bit interested in the korean series...
i watched a movie called MILLIONAIRE'S FIRST LOVE..
i never knew why...this maybe quite embarrassing to tell but....
i cried at some part of the movie....
and that is when i really realized something...
you have brought a very big influence to me....
and that is a very good thing.....

(to be continued)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

letting go....=) (part 4)


do you want to know something?
every night when i dont sleep, i will always have the time to think about you..
for example..last night...
i cant stop thinking about how sweet you are..
and how predictable you are when we were talking on screen or off screen...
and not to forget...
how predictable i am when i'm in front you...
sometimes i do wonder...from where does all this chemistry comes from??
i only knew you for more than a year...
but i knew so much about you already...
you admitted that we were friends all the way...
there are actually so many times you considered us as friends...
even i noticed that every time i tried to be clear with you that i'm in love with you...
but still...when ever i come to the situation of trying to be all clear with you...
you will always try to avoid that kind of conversation with me....
you will actually tries to change the subject and refuse to talk more than a friends...
even though indirectly i do felt the intimacy between us...
frequently....but i know....
you were doing that for a reason...
it is because you have somebody else that comforts you more...
somebody that can take care of you more than i can...
somebody that you like.....and maybe love...more than me...
but you dont worry....
i'll always be happy if you were happy....
all this while...i do notice that you were happier with him...
your smile were brighter...
and it does make me realize...
you are having a very good time when you were with him....
maybe those who see this kind of situation would actually ask me to go chasing you....
before he capture your heart first....
but i have my own principle in love......
i have a different way of loving person with all my heart....
for me....
when i love someone....
i want them to be happy all the way of their life...
no matter what it takes....
even if it's not with me.....
when i saw in your eyes.....
how happy you are with him.....
it made me realize something.....
if i want you to be happy all the way......
is by letting you go and be with the one that can really make u happy more than i do....
and there i see the person.....
it might not be easy for me.....
but for you....i will do everything to ensure you have those happy and cute face all the way along your life.....
yes...i do love you....
and i want to spend the rest of my life with you....
but, if you can be happier with other person, i guess that is the option that i should choose....
in order for you to have those bright smiles all the way....

"your smiles means more than anything to me. yes, i do make you smile but those those smile you were having when you were with him are brighter than when you were with me. i'm letting you go because i know you love him more than you love me. and i do believe he can always make your day and be there with you....."

but for me.....even though i'm letting you go.....
it will never be an end for me loving you....
we have sweet memories together....
and those memories will always be here inside my mind.....
and also....the warmth and comfort that i can give you....
is always available.....
for u.....i'll do everything.....

(to be continued)

letting go....=) (part 3)


here i am again tonight...
writing this story about how i'm trying to let you go with all my heart...
all these while... i think it will be very easy...
but only by saying it...it is easy...but to do it....
i really having difficulties and struggling to do it...
but no matter what i'll try.....
because it's clear to me that you deserve somebody better than me...
somebody that can really open up your heart....
just now we were chatting.... even though it was just on the screen of my YOSHIMI...
but the connection i felt is like we're having an eye to eye conversation...
when i saw you online on facebook late this night...
i told you to go to sleep...tomorrow you got an exam to answer...
but not long after i wrote that on your wall....
my chatbox popped your name out....
it's undeniable that i have smiled hundreds of time and laughed a lot...
just because you were talking to me with all the funny and sweet words u wrote on the chatbox....
because it was already late, i told you to sleep early....
but you dont listen and beg me to give you permission to sleep later....
even though you know.....that i have no right and control to ask you to sleep...
but you did ask me anyway....
it was nothing much on the screen that we talked about....
all the time i was telling u to sleep early and you refused...
you told me that i also slept late during my paper....
it is very funny.... but i got you by saying that i already have enough sleep on the day..
but you're not....only then you agreed to sleep at 3am....
but that was after bargaining...you should actually sleep at 2.30am...
but u did not....and i told it's okay for this time.....
actually, from the first word that u send to me until the last word....
i just couldn't stop smiling.....
we were actually laughing at each other.....
for non stop doing "typo"
but you're the one with the highest rate of typo tonight....
you also get a little angry because i cannot stop laughing and making fun of your typo...
till you said that you want to stuff plastic bag into my mouth if i cannot stop laughing....
you just said that you still know i was laughing even though u cannot see me now...
but it'd true....i really am laughing....
i just did not the "hahaha" word on the screen but i did laugh out my heart tonight.....
yes you were a little bit angry...but in the cute little version of you...
thinking of your angry face is actually making me feel you are a very special person...
i cannot imagine how will your face be if you were making your angry face....
i just thinking of hoe adorable your face be when you were sticking out your tongue while writing "wek" on my screen....
but then...we stopped chatting for a while...
because you need to read your notes....
so i just let you....
not long after.....an IM popped out on my screen....
its you again....you said you've just brushed your teeth....
the i know...that you were going to sleep afterwards......
also today......you dont forget to ask me how is my condition....
do i still sick?do i still have flu?
and yes...i still haven't recovered from my flu....
and you keep reminding to take my medicine.....
dont worry....i will....
all this while, it;s actually getting harder to let you go....
day by day, i felt the affection you is actually giving me much more encouragement to get you...
but dont worry....i'll find my way....
(to be continued)


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

letting go....=) (part 2)


as we arrived at the bank of the lake...
me and other 2 of your best friend sit there together while you went back to your to take KAORU...
your cute pink laptop... it was not very long till you came back with you pink backpack behind you..
walking along the way....i dont know why....
i just cant stop staring at you walking towards us also....with cute SMILE on your face...
as you arrived just at us, you sit beside me and started to open up you KAORU to transfer my storyboard in to it... i really cant stop staring at you but because you have you friends there too so i cant stare at you too much or i will be caught by them...
looking at KAORU, all of a sudden i remembered how that cute pink lappy got it's name...
it was me who gave the name KAORU to your laptop...
at that time, we were chatting about this japanese series that i have been watching...
the name of the series was LOVE SHUFFLE...
i told u that i love the series very much and tell you about the story....
you were very interested to watch the series too and at the end of the chat, i promised you to give the series for you to watch.....
inspired by the series, we then decided to start shuffling the name of our laptop....
you are the first one to give a name for my white laptop...
you came up with a name called YOSHIMI which means "to rejoice in beauty" in japanese.....while i came u with a name of KAORU which means "fragant" in japanese for your pink laptop.....
and then, i was very happy to hear that you actually love the name that i gave to your laptop.....again...my face was filled with a smile...
i dont know why...but the memory of giving each other's laptop a name...
has made a very good and sweet memory for me.....
and...at the moment i said the word "KAORU"
in front of you... again u came up with a smile...
i dont know...i just cant get tired of looking at your smile...
it was a very good feeling for me to see your smile and i will never get bored of looking at it for the rest of my life......
and starting from that...i never expected that you have actually open up my heart for you.... but until now, i have never spill my feeling towards you....
it's not because i'm scared....
i'ts just because i know....your heart will never be mine....
as somebody else has taken your heart earlier before me...

(to be continued)

letting go....=) (part 1)


just today, i met you...
u were with one of your best friend...
we promised earlier to meet, just for me to give my storyboard to you...
because one of your best friend@my beloved little sister is very eager to watch it...
so, i just went to the alley full with people without noticing that i have walked passed you...
you noticed at the first place and called for me...with a little cute smile on your face...
the smile really does cheer me up for the day...even though it was only a little glimpse...
well that's okay..because i know....u did smiled because u see me in the first place...
again i cheered up that day...
when i first talked to you earlier...then u noticed... that i haven't recovered from my flu...
then u said..."awak still selsema lagi.." again with a smile on your face....
and also again...my heart cheered up....
then we walked along by the alley together...then u stopped because you forget to wait for your friend...again i smiled....looking at you face also with a very cute smile....
i just cant help my self....to be very entertained and flattered looking at your smile....
for all this while, i then realized...that you are the only person that can make me smile with the slightest effort you can make....
you dont have to say any funny thing...
you dont have to do any silly acts...
and u dont even have to tickle me all the way...
just enough with a very slight and simple smile from you....
can easily burst a sincere smile from my face...
and that one thing that everyone cannot make other than u....
it's just very amazing...
to realized that a glimpse of smile from a person can make my heart flatter as i'm the happiest person on earth...and that is one of the reason i like you...even better...LOVE YOU...
as we walked along the alley.... you did stopped a few times to buy some food...
as you reached the end of the alley, you met another one of your best friend...
while you were talking to her...i left you with her and to buy myself some foods....
then i went to the end of the alley again and saw you were actually waiting for me...
i never thought that you would wait for me...then i just walked with you along the way to find a place to eat.....
we stopped by the bank of the lake.....
the same place when i did make a fool of myself catching fishes with a drinking cup a few weeks past... but still you joined me...
again...i smiled remembering that event on my mind....

(to be continued....)


Friday, November 5, 2010

love is when.....

Love is when...
you can't stop thinking bout them
when u see them or hear their name
your whole world lights up
when they smile u smile
when they laugh
you laugh
when they cry
you cry
you feel what they feel
when they never leave your mind
when u go to sleep smiling because
of something they said or did earlier that day
when you look at them
everything turns right
when you touch them
u get that feeling
what is love...
love is all of the above.

i love you.....

i love you because i know you're always there to catch me when i fall, there to listen when i need you, and there when i feel alone....
its true...
but if only i have the guts to spill this out to you.....
things would have been much better....

Monday, November 1, 2010

honesty....

ever had any friend that u consider as ur very best friend and u would do everything just for them no matter what??
if u have one, what would u feel if they actually can lie straight to ur face and pretending that there is nothing happened??
pissed off rite??but for me...i'm sad....
i'm sad because they just dont get what is the meaning of friendship at all.....
i got a lot of usual friends...i mean really?? a lot of them....
but when i consider them my best friend....it has some differences between all the other friends!!
it means...i trust them more...i tell them more....i share with them more...and i love them more...
in other words...they just have extra on everything that i give to any other friends...but if its only me considering all the things...where will it all goes??
its not much that i ask for my best friend....
just honesty....i dont mind if u lie to me...but the...u have to tell me what u did...
if u really know me....i'm not that much of a hot tempered person....it will just take seconds till i got my crazy mood again....but....when u lie and then u just keep lying....
that's it.....like i said before...i'm not angry...i'm just sad.....
i'm sorry for being sensitive...but that is me.....
what me sad the most is.....when they keep asking what had they done wrong over and over again...is it so hard to recall back the things that u did behind my back??
its dissapointing....
yes!!i do consider u as my best friend before.....
but now....i guess maybe i'm not worth to be ur friend....
thanks a lot....
i know what do i have to do next....